Rabu, 29 September 2010

Final Wish (Dirty)

Author by ::::::> http://www.jokes2go.com/jokes/26906.html?27



In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very
proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and
desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, he
went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal
clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she
informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved
on her tombstone:

"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.

A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to
prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite
apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for
the wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final
request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece
of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his
experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought
was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it
read as follows:

"RETURNED UNOPENED"



Job, Jobs, Employment 

Bill and Wife

Author ::::> http://www.jokes2go.com/jokes/2772.html?34
 
Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife's beside. 
It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining devices, as
her voice was little more than a hoarse whisper. 
"Bill darling," she breathed. "I've got a confession to make before I
go... I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe in the house ... 
I spent it on a fling with your best friend
Jimmy. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the community in utter disgrace. 
I'm afraid I also was the
one who reported you to the IRS for income tax evasion..."

"That's all right dearest; don't even give it a second thought." said Bill. 
"I have a small confession too. I'm the one
who poisoned you." 
 
Job, Jobs, Employment 

Donald McDonald From The Isle

Author :::::>http://www.jokes2go.com/jokes/9813.html?18


Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil 
McNell from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English 
university and was living in the hall of residence with all the 
other students there. After he had been there a month, his 
mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of 
tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she 
asked. 

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The 
one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't 
stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all 
night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful 
noisy English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here 
quietly, playing my bagpipes."


Job, Jobs, Employment

Better than sex (Dirty or Clean?)

A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him 
a harmonica to occupy his free time
and keep his mind off of the local women. 
The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen
lesson & music books.

Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. 
"Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look
at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. 
I've missed your lovin' so much !"

The wife, keeping her distance, said, 
"All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica." 





Job, Jobs, Employment

Recipe for Banana (Dirty)

Recipe for Banana Bread
     
   
        Ingredients:

         2 Laughing Eyes
         2 Loving Arms
         2 Well Shaped Legs
         2 Firm Milk Containers
         1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl
         2 Large Nuts
         1 Large Banana

         Method:

         1.  Look into Loving Eyes.
         2.  Fold in Loving Arms.
         3.  Spread Well Shaped Legs.
         4.  Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing
             Bowl is well greased.  Check frequently with middle finger.
         5.  Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed.
         6.  Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief.

         Cake done when Banana becomes soft.  Be sure to wash mixing utensils
         and don't lick the bowl.

         N.B.  If cake begins to rise leave town immediately.
Job, Jobs, Employment

Selasa, 28 September 2010

a Blind Man With a good smelling (Dirty)

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That�s a good piece of fir." "Correct,� says the manager, �now try this one." "That�s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused,� says the blind man, �Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you�re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It�s the shit house door off a tuna boat!"


JobJobsEmployment

200 bucks for seeing (Dirty)

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

JobJobsEmployment

The Specimen cup (Dirty)

Author ::::::> http://www.lotsofjokes.com/dirty_jokes_1.asp

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

JobJobsEmployment

Parking Lot

 Author :::::> http://www.lotsofjokes.com/classic_jokes_4.asp

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

JobJobsEmployment

27 years Old, but still believe in Goblin (Dirty)

Author ::::::>  http://www.lotsofjokes.com/dirty_jokes_1.asp

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"


Job, Jobs, Employment

A Virgin (Still)

Author :::::::> http://www.activejokes.com/jokes.php?cn=8&jokes=74&posi=25

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times.

On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new room, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded:

My first husband was an IBM Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be, but never delivered.

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying - 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach.'

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it.

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was collect stamps."

- God I miss him!

So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."

"Why is that," asked the lawyer.

"Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer!! I just know I'm going to really get screwed this time!"

Job, Jobs, Employment

Alimony

Author :::::> http://www.activejokes.com/jokes.php?cn=8&jokes=385&posi=10

"Mr. johns, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

Job, Jobs, Employment

Lawyer And Blonde

Author ::::> http://www.activejokes.com/jokes.php?cn=8&jokes=581&posi=7

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.

She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.




Job, Jobs, Employment

Start Running

Author :::::> http://www.activejokes.com/jokes.php?cn=8&jokes=571&posi=8

A lawyer and his brother were hunting. A mountain lion jumped out in front of them and started snarling.
The brother said "What should we do?"
The lawyer said "I'm gonna run for it."
The brother said "You can't outrun a mountain lion!"
The lawyer said "I don't have to outrun HIM-- I only have to outrun YOU."

Job, Jobs, Employment

Texas Cop vs NY Lawyer

Author ::::::> http://www.activejokes.com/cat.php?cn=8&name=Lawyer%20Jokes

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, "License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to acomplete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

Job, Jobs, Employment

My Daddy Is A Lawyer

Author :::::::> http://www.activejokes.com/jokes.php?cn=8&jokes=592&posi=6
While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Joshua.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

Job, Jobs, Employment

Robbing Lawyers

Author :::::::> http://www.activejokes.com/jokes.php?cn=8&jokes=671&posi=3

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.

Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

Job, Jobs, Employment

Unjustice In Hell

Author :::::::> http://www.activejokes.com/jokes.php?cn=8&jokes=668&posi=4


A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.'

'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.

'Who are you to question that woman's punishment?'

Job, Jobs, Employment

Legal Dispute

Author :::::> http://www.activejokes.com/jokes.php?cn=8&jokes=772&posi=1

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense...........

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, thats the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

Job, Jobs, Employment

Lawyer/ Bar Joke

Author :::::> http://www.activejokes.com/jokes.php?cn=8&jokes=645&posi=5


So, a drunk stands up at the end of a bar and yells

"All lawyers are assholes"

Another guy at the other end shouts

"Yo, that's not fair, I resent that remark"

The drunk says

"Oh, so you're a fucking lawyer, huh?"

Second guy responds

"No, I'm an asshole"

Job, Jobs, Employment

Reading between the lines

Author ::::::>http://www.activejokes.com/jokes.php?cn=16&jokes=309&posi=21

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible

Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.




Job, Jobs, Employment

Hospital Charts

Author ::::::>http://www.activejokes.com/jokes.php?cn=16&jokes=513&posi=9


Actual writings on hospital charts:

1. she has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband
states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third
day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me
in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally
alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another
hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of
her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car
for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus
sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he
took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt
we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.




Job, Jobs, Employment

Fish Heads

Author :::::::> http://www.activejokes.com/jokes.php?cn=16&jokes=520&posi=8


A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're getting smarter already!"


Job, Jobs, Employment

Stop That

Author ::::::> http://www.activejokes.com/jokes.php?cn=16&jokes=566&posi=6

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.

Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

JobJobsEmployment

Oops (Adult)

Author ::::::> http://www.activejokes.com/jokes.php?cn=16&jokes=676&posi=2

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.

JobJobsEmployment

Senin, 27 September 2010

New Secretary (Adult)

Author by ::::::::> http://www.activejokes.com/jokes.php?cn=16&jokes=343&posi=17


Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"




Job, Jobs, Employment

Late for Work (Clean)

 Author by ::::> http://www.activejokes.com/jokes.php?cn=16&jokes=468&posi=16

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss. "But where were you yesterday?"



JobJobsEmployment

The Peeing Accident (Adult)

Author by ::::::::> http://www.activejokes.com/jokes.php?cn=16&jokes=469&posi=15

A man on a construction site 30 floors up had to go to the bathroom. He approached his foreman and told him that he was going down to use the facilities. The foreman told him he was crazy. By the time he got down and back he’d lose a half hour of time.

The foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of the building. He stood on one end and told the guy to go out on the other end and pee off. He told the man that they were 30 floors up and that his piss would turn into vapor before it reached the bottom. So the guy decided to take his advice.

Suddenly the foreman's cell phone rang and he jumped off the board to get it, allowing the peeing man to fall to his death!

At the inquest an electrician who was working on the 27th floor was asked if he knew what happened. "Not really, but I think it had something to do with sex."

The coroner said, "Sex, why do you think it had something to do with sex?"

The electrician replied, "I saw the man falling with his cock in his hand screaming, ‘Where did that cocksucker go!’ "



JobJobsEmployment

Useful Phrases at Work

Author by :::::::> http://www.activejokes.com/jokes.php?cn=16&jokes=141&posi=33

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me

You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.


JobJobsEmployment

The Bunny and The Snake (Adult)

Author by ::::::> http://www.activejokes.com/jokes.php?cn=ADULT&jokes=825&posi=3

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."




Job, Jobs, Employment

Working Construction (Adult)

Author by ::::::::> http://www.activejokes.com/jokes.php?cn=16&jokes=646&posi=3

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, "What the hell is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"

The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."

Job, Jobs, Employment

Restauraunt Waiter (Adult)

Author by ::::::::::> http://www.activejokes.com/jokes.php?cn=16&jokes=780&posi=0


One day...

Customer's came to a 5-star restaraunt.

A Waiter came and served them meal's worth over 1,000 $.

The Customer asked the waiter...
Customer:How much from me?
Waiter: No shit.
Customer: Well why's that?
Waiter: Because the owner of this restauraunt is screwin' my wife, so I'm screwing his restauraunt.


Job, Jobs, Employment

A MANAGER'S DILEMA

 Author by ::::::> http://www.comedy-zone.net/jokes/laugh/work/work005.htm

An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning.

Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest and both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said,
"Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."

Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

Job, Jobs, Employment

The CEO

Author by: http://www.jokesplace.com/joke/theceo.html

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and the CEO was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press - and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize."
This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."


Job, Jobs, Employment

The Butcher

Author by: http://www.jokesplace.com/joke/butcher.html

A man walks into a butchers shop asks the butcher "Are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says, "Yes".
The man says, "I bet you fifty dollars that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there."
The butcher looks up at the meat hanging on the hooks. He says, "I'm not betting on that".
"But I thought you were a gambling man," the man retorts.
"Yes I am," says the butcher, "but the steaks are too high".

JobJobsEmployment

The Artist

 Author by: http://www.jokesplace.com/joke/theartist.html

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.
"When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"Thats wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."

JobJobsEmployment

New Office

Author by: http://www.jokesplace.com/joke/newoffice.html

A young businessman rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques. However, no business was coming in. Sitting there, worrying, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to look busy, he picked up the phone and pretended he was negotiating a big deal. He spoke loudly about big figures and huge commitments. Finally, he put down the phone and asked the visitor "Can I help you?"
The man said, "I've come to install the phone."

JobJobsEmployment

Kiss and Slap

Author by :::::::> http://www.jokesplace.com/joke/kissandslap.html

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.
Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The General manager is setting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!"

JobJobsEmployment

Last Wishes

 By ::::::> http://www.jokesplace.com/joke/lastwishes.html

An elderly gentleman, quite well to do, realized that his life was turning down the final stretch, so he summoned the three friends that he trusted the most for some advice. One was a doctor, one a priest, and the other an attorney.
"I've been thinking lately," he said to them, "that perhaps there is something to the ancient Egyptian belief that when we die, we take some things with us to the next world. So, I'm giving each of you an envelope with $1 million cash in it. At my funeral, I ask each of you to slip it into my casket so that I can use it on my journey to the next world." The three agreed.
A few weeks later, he was dead. At the funeral, each of the three went up to the casket, and each placed an envelope into the casket.
Afterwards, the three were talking, and the doctor couldn't keep it in any longer. "I have a confession," he said. "This year has been quite bad for the clinic. My CAT scanner broke, and I had to scrape to replace it. I took $80,000 out of the envelope to pay for it."
As the other two cringed, the priest then added, "I must confess, too. The poor have been especially unfortunate this year, and to provide them with food, I took $120,000 out and used it to feed and clothe them."
The attorney was beside himself. "I am disgusted. Our friend asked but one thing of each of us, and trusted us with his last request. How could you two break that trust and go against his wishes?"
The doctor replies, "You expect us to believe that you, an attorney, didn't take anything out of your envelope?"
"I would never!" replied the attorney. "In that envelope was a personal check for the full amount!"

JobJobsEmployment

Minggu, 26 September 2010

Buzzword Bingo

By , About.com Guide

Do your employees seem to be paying more attention lately to what you are saying in meetings? Are announcements from top management getting more careful scrutiny than they used to?
The good news is you may have, overnight, become a more dynamic speaker and your employees may have awakened to your greatness. The bad news is they are probably just playing "buzzword bingo". But the really good news is that you can use this latest business game to your advantage.
Buzzword Bingo
The game is played like regular bingo except that instead of numbers in the squares there are random business buzzwords: paradigm; bottom line; optimization; Total Quality Management; reengineering; out of the box; etc.
Before the speech is made or the announcement is published, the employees print up buzzword bingo cards. As each buzzword is use in the speech (or meeting) they check off that square. Up, down or diagonal wins, just as in regular bingo. And since it would be too obvious to shout "BINGO", the winner coughs discretely to signal his or her victory.
    Here are some interesting Internet sites about buzzword bingo:
  • Karl Geiger's Buzzword Bingo site generates bingo cards with the business buzzwords randomly distributed. His site also includes a nice history of the game's birth and rebirth.
  • Nik and Timbob’s Buzzword Bingo site generates bingo cards with the business buzzwords. Another page on their site does the same treatment to food.
Winning at Buzzword Bingo
So how do you take this reborn game fad and turn it to your advantage? How can buzzword bingo make you a better manager? By helping you communicate better with your employees, that's how.
Don't hide your message behind the ambiguity of buzzwords. (I defy you to define "paradigm" without looking it up.) Say what you want to say in plain, direct English (or in whatever language your company conducts business).
Take your next speech, email, or policy statement. Generate a buzzword bingo card from one of the sites in the list above. Review your message against the buzzword list. How quickly would someone have "won"?
Now go back and edit that speech, etc. and take out the buzzwords. Replace them with direct messages. You’ll be surprized at how quickly your people do start paying attention to what you are saying - for the sake of the message, not to try to "bingo".
-------

JobJobsEmployment

Virtual Yes Man - Your Personal Suck-Up

From , former About.com Guide


Yes, indeedy, you'll like this one. You betcha! You are looking sharp; you know. You really are. You're my idol, you swell person, you. You light up my life. You give me hope to carry on. May I validate your parking? Yes, I'd love to. Say, I bet I could buy you the best lunch ever. Would you be so kind as to allow me to Turtle Wax your car? I'd be beyond happy to iron that crease in your slacks. Might I fluff your pillow? How 'bout a warm towel?...
Here's your boy, from Here in Reality.


JobJobsEmployment

The Virtual Boss

by Mike Durrett

My boss is a swell guy. I mean that sincerely. I really do. Yes, I'm a suck-up, but not in this case.
I have worked for some jerks in my time. Why, I remember one festering canker-sored shrew, delusional swivel-lipped paperweight, pustule in a black dress, cheating ferret in a wig hat, bulbous-nosed dim bulb, heinous pencil-pushing geekette, snarky-toothed Granny Klump wannabe, competence-repelling depilatory disaster area, fondly.
I could go on and on; however, even as a suck-up, it's tough maintaining this level of niceness.
That's one reason why I like The Virtual Boss, from Camp Chaos. We boil as this animated moron flips our switch and, then, we GET EVEN!
It's a funny stress reliever and may, vicariously, help you feel better about your job.
Catch you later, I'm going on break....

JobJobsEmployment

Annoying Coworker

Author by ::::::> http://humor.about.com/od/jobhumor/a/annoyingcoworke.htm

Fortunately, I work alone. I only get myself chewed out by myself twice a day or so. I haven't made me cry since Monday. The meds help. And I'm bathing more.
  • "Please clean your phone handset! Your telephone looks like a science project. Your telephone is always plastered with your too red lipstick, oil from you hair, and the sticky foods you constantly eat at your desk. If you expect others to relieve you for lunch please keep your phone clean!!!"
  • "Walking over to tell me you emailed. If you email me, don't come over and tell me that you emailed me. I don't email you to tell you I'm going to come over and talk to you. Stop wasting my time."
  • "Clipping fingernails or toenails while at your desk, or using a pocketknife to clean underneath nails. It’s gross. Especially when a piece of nail flies over the cube barrier and lands on your coworker’s keyboard. Eeeeeew."
Just a few of the hundreds of testimonials / insults on display at Annoying Coworker, where you can read the frustrations of others and send an anonymous message to that special someone. Share the Love: Annoying Coworker
JobJobsEmployment

Car Breakdown

Author by :::::> http://www.jokesplace.com/joke/carbreakdown.html

There are four engineers traveling in a car. One is a mechanical engineer, one a chemical engineer, one an electrical engineer and the other one an engineer from Microsoft.
The car breaks down.
"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again," says the mechanical engineer.
"Well," says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."
"I thought it might be a grounding problem," says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."
They all turn to the Microsoft engineer who has said nothing and say. They ask him, "What do you think?"
"Well, I think we should close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open the windows again."


JobJobsEmployment

Wrong Answer

Author by :::::> http://www.jokesplace.com/joke/wronganswer.html

Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job, and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had only missed one of the questions on the test. All the other questions were answered correctly. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thanks to both of you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy said, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, I should get the job!"
The manager replied, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" asked Murphy.
The manager replied, "Simple. The American put down for question five, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"


JobJobsEmployment

The Barber

Author by :::::> http://www.jokesplace.com/joke/barber.html

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'"


JobJobsEmployment

The Doctor and the Lawyer

 Author by ::::::> http://www.jokesplace.com/joke/doctor-and-lawyer.html

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. However, their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

JobJobsEmployment

Lawyer Fishing

Author by ::::::> http://www.jokesplace.com/joke/lawyer_fishing.html

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.

JobJobsEmployment

So you want a day off

Author :::::> http://www.jokesplace.com/joke/wantadayoff.html

So you want a day off? Let's take a look at what you are asking for!
There are 365 days this year.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work.
We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only one day available for work and I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!

JobJobs, Employment

Jumat, 24 September 2010

Humor di Tempat Kerja, Bolehkah?

by DSY 
 
Kantor sebagai tempat bekerja seringkali dikondisikan tampak profesional, biasanya ada rambu-rambu tertentu, baik tertulis maupun tidak tertulis yang bertujuan menjaga karyawannya tetap produktif, tetap konsentrasi, dan bebas segala gangguan selama bekerja. Makanya tidak heran jika ada kantor yang selalu sunyi, hanya terdengar bunyi ketukan keyboard dan deringan telepon, sementara karyawannya seperti terbenam di balik cubicle mereka masing-masing. Bekerja selama 6-8 jam sehari dengan suasana seperti ini, tidakkah Anda akan merasa bosan dan stress?
Keseriusan dalam bekerja memang penting, namun menyeimbangkannya dengan some pleasure juga tetap perlu. Bercengkrama ringan dan berbagi tawa dengan rekan kerja sepertinya tidak akan membuat perusahaan merugi, bukan? Chris Robert, asisten profesor di Universitas Missouri-Columbia's Robert J. Trulaske Sr. College of Business, menemukan bahwa bersenda gurau ketika bekerja justru dapat meningkatkan produktivitas dan kesetiaan karyawan. Selama ini humor selalu identik dengan ketidakseriusan, sehingga banyak bos atau manajemen perusahaan yang melarang karyawannya bercanda selama bekerja. Padahal humor ini termasuk ke dalam emosi positif yang dapat menstimulasi semangat karyawan sehingga meningkatkan performa kerjanya.
Humor di tempat kerja tidak senegatif yang dibayangkan. Masih banyak manfaat humor yang semestinya lebih diperhatikan daripada keburukannya:
Tertawa itu sehat. Bukankah ada yang bilang bahwa tertawa merupakan rahasia panjang umur? Hal ini bukan omong kosong, sebab ketika tertawa berarti Anda meregangkan otot-otot, mereduksi hormon stres, meningkatkan sistem imun, dan melancarkan aliran darah sehingga dapat mencegah serangan jantung. Selain itu, tertawa merupakan cara membakar lemak di perut yang paling cepat, yaitu 3 ½ kalori setiap kali Anda tertawa lepas.
Humoris, cepat dipromosi. Sebuah studi di tempat kerja menyebutkan bahwa orang yang sukses kebanyakan yang memiliki EQ (Emotional Quotient) yang tinggi. Yaitu orang-orang yang dapat mengelola emosi, bisa bekerja sama dengan orang lain, dan memiliki selera humor yang baik. Menurut polling dari Robert Half International, 84% dari 1000 eksekutif menyatakan bahwa pekerja yang humoris cenderung bekerja lebih baik.
Jangan ragu menjadi lucu. Membuat orang lain tersenyum bahkan tertawa selalu memberikan perasaan menyenangkan dalam hati. Anda akan merasa percaya diri dan lebih dihargai jika rekan kerja menyukai lelucon Anda. Orang humoris dengan kepribadiannya yang light dan selalu membuat orang lain senang, biasanya sangat disukai dan memiliki banyak teman. Ini merupakan sebuah keunggulan karena dapat memperluas jejaring Anda.
Cara jitu menghilangkan stres.Tertawa tidak hanya bagus untuk kesehatan fisik, tapi juga kesehatan mental sebab dapat menimbulkan perasaan senang. Keadaan emosi yang baik membuat segala hal terlihat positif, mudah dan ringan. Makanya ketika Anda mulai jenuh, suntuk, dan lelah dengan pekerjaan, bersenda gurau-lah sejenak dengan rekan kerja untuk sekedar mengendurkan otot-otot yang tegang dan me-refresh kembali energi yang terkuras. Setelah tertawa, cara pandang Anda terhadap sesuatu akan berubah, tidak lagi menghakimi, mengkritik, atau meragukan.
Hati-hati dengan humor yang bisa menyinggung perasaan. Sekalipun Anda hanya berniat meramaikan suasana dengan membuat lelucon terhadap seseorang atau sesuatu, berhati-hatilah sebab bisa jadi Anda telah melukai perasaan orang lain. Selalu pertimbangkan situasi, kondisi, dan orang yang Anda ajak bercanda. Hindari menyinggung topik-topik sensitif, misalnya fisik, penampilan, keluarga atau SARA. Gunakan joke ringan yang netral misalnya cerita lucu tentang anak Anda atau pengalaman menyenangkan lainnya. Jika Anda merasa telah kelewatan dan menyinggung orang lain, segeralah minta maaf. Atau sebaliknya jika Anda merasa tersinggung dengan lelucon orang lain, tunjukkan reaksi dengan menegur “Hei, jangan begitu” atau “Jangan berkata seperti itu”.
Sampaikan kritik dengan humor. Untuk meminimalisir efek agresif dan mengancam, kritik atau teguran juga bisa disampaikan dengan nada bercanda. Walaupun akan terdengar kurang serius atau bisa jadi tidak disadari oleh si penerima kritik, cara ini bisa mengurangi dampak sakit hati dan malu yang dirasakan orang tersebut.
Humor untuk sekedar melepaskan penat memang diperlukan, namun tidak lantas menganggu tugas rutin Anda di kantor. Terlalu banyak bercanda daripada bekerja justru dapat membuat reputasi Anda tidak bagus. Bersikaplah proporsional agar pekerjaan Anda tetap selesai tanpa harus menderita stress.

Job, Jobs, Employment